Twinsight 34 of 50: Ready Your Children for Life

Chloe and Leah around 2001

Last week I wrote about a little brush with fame in our neighborhood with Kris Humphries and Kim Kardashian. Two days after I posted it, practically every media outlet in America was broadcasting the news that they’re divorcing after 72 days of marriage. Who knew? Obviously, not me! Even though I understand that this decision is common in high-profile marriages, I’m sad for them, particularly Kris, and continue to wish him the very best as he moves on with his life. And I’m sad, once again, for our kids and young adults who are looking for role models of lasting relationships.

The whole situation has prompted me to think about what Steve and I can continue to do to prepare our teenage girls to survive and thrive in this crazy world. Dr. Jay Barnes, the President of Bethel University, said something at a parent session during freshman welcome week that has really stuck with me. He said that the university wants to equip its students to have a storm-hearty faith. It’s a faith that’s built through living authentically and learning to trust God day-by-day in the realities of our world.

Yesterday Chloe asked me how I learned to figure out stuff as a parent—like how many peas you need to eat before you can have a treat, what time you need to put away your cell phone for the night, when you can date, etc. I told her the truth. Dad and I make it up as a go along! And then I told her that we rely on our faith, experience and friends, and read a book now and then.

The book I’ve gone back to many times is called, "Ready for Responsibility" by Dr. Bob Barnes (1997). (I don’t believe he’s related to the other Dr. Barnes.) He believes our kids are receiving wonderful training for performing in an adolescent arena (e.g., get good grades, play a sport, participate in music) as we serve as taxi drivers to the proper subcontractor! And we give lip service to the fact that we want them to learn the important things of life like long-term determination, but we live in the day-to-day madness. So are we training and preparing them to stand tall in the adult work and responsibly make decisions that will affect the rest of their lives? The three main questions he wants us parents to answer are:

Am I raising an employable child?
We need to equip our children with the skills they need to make informed decisions about their work life and weigh their aptitudes and preferences against job availability, location, and money. That involves helping them learn to take responsibility, figure out how do something when it’s not obvious, be humble enough to admit when they’re wrong and ask for advice, and work well with others. Easier said than done, right? The book has some practical tips that have worked well in our family. Since they were 13, we’ve given each of our girls a checking account with a debit card. We put their clothing budget in it for the year (on January 1) and then they add to it as they earn money. They buy their own clothes and gifts for others, and have become really good at managing their own money and not negotiating for clothes. Another tip we got from this book is to have clear household chores that they do as working members of the family with clear consequences that are meaningful to that particular child. And if you need to remind them, the consequence kicks in because learning to remember is just as important as doing the job. 

Am I raising a marriageable child?

We need to teach them how to choose a spouse and then build a life together in marriage, and be able to have strong personal family relationships and friendships. It involves raising them to reject the idea that the sole purpose of a family is to get their own personal needs met, living out the concept of “blending” which is mutually working together, learning to delay gratification, demonstrating faithfulness, and being observant of the needs around them. For better or worse, the book reminds us that our kids are watching us constantly, and what they believe about marriage and the type of spouse they will become is a lot about what they experience at home.

Am I raising a child who understands God’s purpose for his or her life?

The most significant area of life is a person’s private life…who we are on the inside. We need to teach our kids that we're each created for a purpose, and they are valuable and responsible to God. We’re pretty open and honest with our girls about challenging situations we face, and we pray about them as family and tell them how it’s going along the way so they see us making hard choices every day but within God’s grace.

Shopping with Leah and Chloe in August

I feel very inadequate when it comes to raising our children to be responsible adults.

But I'm continually learning to be authentic, take it one day at a time, and just enjoy them.

 

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