Have you taken the Myers-Briggs personality assessment? If so, do you remember your profile? I'm an ENTJ. I'm pretty balanced on the first two measures - extrovert vs. introvert and intuitive vs. sensing. But I'm extreme on the last two - thinking vs. feeling and judging vs. perceiving. As with each of us, I have a combination of strengths and weaknesses that blend together to draw me in a certain direction at any given moment, for better or worse.
The deficit that trips me up most often is the feeling component. I'm not interested in producing a flood every time something happy or sad comes along, but it would be nice to be more balanced. Actually, for me to feel something deeply, I usually need to think about it for awhile, give myself mental permission, and eventually the feelings come. The good news is that I'm pretty even-keeled so if you need someone to take charge in a crisis, I'm your girl. The bad news is that I don't experience highs and lows to the extent that many do. So if you need someone to express over-the-moon excitement or empathy, I'm not your best bet.
In recent years, however, I've had some experiences that have tenderized my heart. My first deep heart encounter was receiving Leah from the Northwest Airlines "stork" that flew in from Korea to meet us and our amazing group of family members and friends. And then there was the incredible experience of walking into a room in Seoul four years later and peeking under a little baseball cap to meet our Chloe for the first time.
I've also felt life's ups and downs intensely at times - agonizing over a complicated decision, being incredibly proud over a little (but really big) life choice that one of the girls made, feeling off-balanced in a close relationship, seeing a moving video that Steve and his brother, Peter, created, or worrying about the future with all the looming issues. And then there were the tender times of being with my parents in their later years. I have vivid memories of the last moment that I was with each of of them - listening to dad talk from his hospital bed about farming and the economy and wanting to make sure that I fixed Chloe's high chair. And spending my mom's last morning with her in her Presbyterian Homes room along with my friend, Kimberly, and our dog, Pabby, and walking in a silent "procession of honor" with her covered body through the halls lined with all the staff who had cared for her for many years.
My palpable encounters with the living God, though, have surprised me the most and touched me most deeply. On Palm Sunday a few years ago, the four of us worshipped at the Brooklyn Tabernacle in Brooklyn, NY. I was rocked to my core. Steve and I just wept during the whole worship set (about 45 minutes) and could barely sing. It seemed like what heaven will be like - a blend of shapes and sizes and colors of people moving and uniting in praise to God. Ever since that experience, I have found it easier to close my eyes and sense that God is right there with me and the community of people I'm with, including a couple of nights ago at our church's Maundy Thursday service.
So this Easter weekend, we'll all go through the regular motions of life. But I invite you to join me in pushing our natural boundaries in thinking about what this holiday is all about and feeling it deeply, too.
P.S. In the spirit of expanding my feeling and perceiving comfort zones, I'm not going to mention what I'll write about next week since I honestly have no clue!
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Twinsight 5 of 50: Be Quick to Listen, Slow to Judge
My guess is that there are about two power outlets per every 100 ticketed passengers around the Delta gates at Chicago's O'Hare airport. During a recent trip there, I wandered around and actually found outlets near an empty seat between two gate areas and made a bee-line for them. I put down my backpack and Chai, and started to take out my laptop when my outlet partner broke the bad news to me. Neither one worked. Ugh! I took a deep breath, sat back, and tried to think of something I could accomplish without running down my laptop battery before the flight.
When I travel for business, I try to get as much work done on the road so I can be fully available for my family when I get home. I enjoy chatting with strangers, but I typically don't get into longer conversations. Now I had the time so I asked my outlet mate - I'll call her Doreen - where she was from. She was a large woman who was about 60 and looked rather out of place among all the business travelers. I wasn't prepared for her story (which I've modified slightly for privacy's sake).
Doreen was going home to the West coast after having traveled to Asia. Her son and daughter-in-law live there with their two small children. She strongly believed that the children were in a risky situation, particularly because of the six-year-old girl's health condition. After many conversations with her son, Doreen put every penny of her savings into one two-way and two one-way plane tickets so she could bring both children back to the States. She had stopped in Chicago to drop them off with another relative for a couple of weeks so she could go back home and make arrangements to take over parenting them. Bless her heart, she had hosted a birthday party for her granddaughter the night before at Chuck E. Cheese's (the girl's first meal in this country) and she commented, "Grandma, why are all the children screaming?" Welcome to the USA!
Doreen asked if I could watch her stuff while she checked to see if her flight was boarding soon. She could barely stand up and really struggled to walk with her cane. When she came back, she told me that she'd fallen in a freak accident at work a few years ago, hit her head, and suffered a severe back injury and minor brain damage. In the course of her recovery, she had gained a significant amount of weight and has had to deal with the negative stares and nasty comments.
I was astounded by the refreshingly honest way that she was dealing with the aftermath of her accident, her challenging financial situation, and the stress of suddenly parenting again. She was happy simply to be alive and was pulling out all the stops when she was really needed. We continued to talk about everything from global events to the outlet population in airports to having time to appreciate the beauty of nature. She reminded me of a smart college professor in the way that she could carry on an integrated, global view conversation. After what seemed much longer than 20 minutes, a gate agent announced that my flight was boarding. I didn't want to say goodbye to my new friend.
I was getting settled in my seat on the plane when I realized that I had been so engrossed in our conversation that I had forgotten my sweater by our powerless outlets. I battled the flow of people getting on the plane and reentered the terminal. I glanced over to where we had been sitting and Doreen was gone. My sweater was gone, too. As I was about to reboard, the gate agent handed me my sweater. He said that a woman told him that I'd probably be back for it. So my final touch point with Doreen was her making my life a little bit better.
I had a lump in my throat as I walked back to my seat. Oh, how many times I consciously or unconsciously judge people on first impressions. While making quick assessments is a practical life skill, it is harmful when I carry it over to assuming that I know someone's story. Doreen reminded me of the depth and power of God's unconditional love and grace for every person on this planet, and the joy I experience when I listen and extend a measure of the love and grace I've received to others.
Stay tuned for next week's Twinsight: Read to Enlarge Your World.
When I travel for business, I try to get as much work done on the road so I can be fully available for my family when I get home. I enjoy chatting with strangers, but I typically don't get into longer conversations. Now I had the time so I asked my outlet mate - I'll call her Doreen - where she was from. She was a large woman who was about 60 and looked rather out of place among all the business travelers. I wasn't prepared for her story (which I've modified slightly for privacy's sake).
Doreen was going home to the West coast after having traveled to Asia. Her son and daughter-in-law live there with their two small children. She strongly believed that the children were in a risky situation, particularly because of the six-year-old girl's health condition. After many conversations with her son, Doreen put every penny of her savings into one two-way and two one-way plane tickets so she could bring both children back to the States. She had stopped in Chicago to drop them off with another relative for a couple of weeks so she could go back home and make arrangements to take over parenting them. Bless her heart, she had hosted a birthday party for her granddaughter the night before at Chuck E. Cheese's (the girl's first meal in this country) and she commented, "Grandma, why are all the children screaming?" Welcome to the USA!
Doreen asked if I could watch her stuff while she checked to see if her flight was boarding soon. She could barely stand up and really struggled to walk with her cane. When she came back, she told me that she'd fallen in a freak accident at work a few years ago, hit her head, and suffered a severe back injury and minor brain damage. In the course of her recovery, she had gained a significant amount of weight and has had to deal with the negative stares and nasty comments.
I was astounded by the refreshingly honest way that she was dealing with the aftermath of her accident, her challenging financial situation, and the stress of suddenly parenting again. She was happy simply to be alive and was pulling out all the stops when she was really needed. We continued to talk about everything from global events to the outlet population in airports to having time to appreciate the beauty of nature. She reminded me of a smart college professor in the way that she could carry on an integrated, global view conversation. After what seemed much longer than 20 minutes, a gate agent announced that my flight was boarding. I didn't want to say goodbye to my new friend.
I was getting settled in my seat on the plane when I realized that I had been so engrossed in our conversation that I had forgotten my sweater by our powerless outlets. I battled the flow of people getting on the plane and reentered the terminal. I glanced over to where we had been sitting and Doreen was gone. My sweater was gone, too. As I was about to reboard, the gate agent handed me my sweater. He said that a woman told him that I'd probably be back for it. So my final touch point with Doreen was her making my life a little bit better.
I had a lump in my throat as I walked back to my seat. Oh, how many times I consciously or unconsciously judge people on first impressions. While making quick assessments is a practical life skill, it is harmful when I carry it over to assuming that I know someone's story. Doreen reminded me of the depth and power of God's unconditional love and grace for every person on this planet, and the joy I experience when I listen and extend a measure of the love and grace I've received to others.
Stay tuned for next week's Twinsight: Read to Enlarge Your World.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Twinsight 4 of 50: Get Over It
When our girls were about ages seven and three, I was in the market for a different car. I really wanted a slightly used Volvo wagon. I just thought it was a cool vehicle and practical to boot. But the girls desperately wanted a mini van. And they won. As I was driving off the lot with the girls cheering from the back of my "bus," I saw the vehicle of my dreams and said, "Hey, there's a Volvo wagon!"
Leah retorted, "Mom...REALLY, you need to get over it!"
Although I didn't appreciate her sarcastic tone, she was right on. Sometimes I just can't let go. (I wouldn't go straight to love, but I did grow to appreciate that vehicle because I spent so much time in it with these two amazing little people.)
It's in my best interest (and probably yours as my friends) that I quickly let go of my 40s and start embracing my 50s. Garrison Keillor was the one who made me realize that I was doing some internal kicking and screaming and I should stop. In his "Stop Complaining" essay, he writes, "No one cares that you don't like getting older--so quit bellyaching. But 50 is a great time to lose the ponytail [what works for Willie Nelson doesn't necessarily work for you], start telling the truth, and stop having dinner with people you don't like."
He goes on to say, "Put the past behind you. This is even easier to do at my age (62 [at the time]) but you can get a start at 50--make a pile of your regrets and put a match to them and let them blow away, the lost loves, the estranged friends, the botched education, the unwritten novel, the neglected guitar, the ruinous investments, the dear friend who committed suicide, the opportunities that will sail away without you--put that knapsack full of rocks on the ground and walk away and find something in the here-and-now that absorbs you and take up with that, a garden, a grandchild, a choir, yoga, knitting, amassing a collection of porcelain pigs, a political agitation, learning the drop-thumb style of banjo."
So today I'm vowing to move beyond regrets--some things I've said and some things I haven't had the guts to say, times I've acted too fast or not at all, and times my life balance has been out of whack. There's nothing I can do about it now other than apologize where I need to, learn and move ahead. But it's not too late to do things like volunteer with a prison ministry, learn to wake board, improve my standing in running races (especially now that I'm in an easier age bracket...wahoo!), and see the Great Wall of China.
Keillor ends his advice for people turning 50 by saying, "It's a time of marvels on every hand, great richness, emotional clarity, and great sweetness. Sixty is even better, but don't hurry." 1
And I won't!
Stay tuned for next week's Twinsight: Be Quick to Listen, Slow to Judge.
1 Garrison Keillor, "Stop Complaining," in Ronnie Sellers (ed.), Fifty Things To Do When You Turn 50, Ronnie Sellers Productions, Inc., Portland, ME, 2005, pp. 17-21.
Leah retorted, "Mom...REALLY, you need to get over it!"
Although I didn't appreciate her sarcastic tone, she was right on. Sometimes I just can't let go. (I wouldn't go straight to love, but I did grow to appreciate that vehicle because I spent so much time in it with these two amazing little people.)
It's in my best interest (and probably yours as my friends) that I quickly let go of my 40s and start embracing my 50s. Garrison Keillor was the one who made me realize that I was doing some internal kicking and screaming and I should stop. In his "Stop Complaining" essay, he writes, "No one cares that you don't like getting older--so quit bellyaching. But 50 is a great time to lose the ponytail [what works for Willie Nelson doesn't necessarily work for you], start telling the truth, and stop having dinner with people you don't like."
He goes on to say, "Put the past behind you. This is even easier to do at my age (62 [at the time]) but you can get a start at 50--make a pile of your regrets and put a match to them and let them blow away, the lost loves, the estranged friends, the botched education, the unwritten novel, the neglected guitar, the ruinous investments, the dear friend who committed suicide, the opportunities that will sail away without you--put that knapsack full of rocks on the ground and walk away and find something in the here-and-now that absorbs you and take up with that, a garden, a grandchild, a choir, yoga, knitting, amassing a collection of porcelain pigs, a political agitation, learning the drop-thumb style of banjo."
So today I'm vowing to move beyond regrets--some things I've said and some things I haven't had the guts to say, times I've acted too fast or not at all, and times my life balance has been out of whack. There's nothing I can do about it now other than apologize where I need to, learn and move ahead. But it's not too late to do things like volunteer with a prison ministry, learn to wake board, improve my standing in running races (especially now that I'm in an easier age bracket...wahoo!), and see the Great Wall of China.
Keillor ends his advice for people turning 50 by saying, "It's a time of marvels on every hand, great richness, emotional clarity, and great sweetness. Sixty is even better, but don't hurry." 1
And I won't!
Stay tuned for next week's Twinsight: Be Quick to Listen, Slow to Judge.
1 Garrison Keillor, "Stop Complaining," in Ronnie Sellers (ed.), Fifty Things To Do When You Turn 50, Ronnie Sellers Productions, Inc., Portland, ME, 2005, pp. 17-21.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Twinsight 3 of 50: Glance in the Mirror Before You Leave the House
A few years ago, I pulled my black Chico dress over my head and dashed off to the office extra early because I was speaking at a roundtable discussion that morning. I made a quick stop in the restroom. On the way out, I glanced at my profile in the full-length mirror and then reversed my steps to take another look. I confirmed my initial suspicion. I had my dress on inside out.
Then a couple of weeks ago, I got together with a new friend, Pam, at Caribou Coffee. I walked back to the table after picking up my tea and she politely said, "I think your sweater is on inside out." Sure enough.
I've never been someone who spends much time looking in the mirror at my outward appearance (obviously). My parents never spent much time there so it wasn't modeled for me. (That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it.) I venture that I get ready faster in the morning than any woman you know. I might be willing to take an extra minute or two now that I'm over 50. But those of you over 50 tell me. Will mirror time be even less of a draw to me now?
I do, however, place a high value on reflecting on what's inside before I leave the house. Otherwise, I'm as much of a mess on the inside as I can be on the outside! Most mornings I spend time preparing for the day--reading scripture, and journaling and praying about things on my mind. One morning a week, I actually have this reflection time with a group of friends. This time grounds me in my convictions and reminds me that I can confidently go into my day because God goes before me and will guide my words and actions, if I let Him. And for me, it's something that I need to do daily or my life gets out of balance.
Our dog, Pabby, has his quiet time with me. :) He sits on his perch (our spiral staircase) with one eye on his kingdom of squirrels, chipmunks and other critters. His other eye is on me because what comes next is usually our slo-mo running time. (He's 49 in people years so we're perfectly paced.) He lives for when we can stretch our legs in the fresh air and he motivates me to get out there.
So the next time you see me and I'm not as put together as you think I should be, remember that I probably sacrificed the outside for the inside. And you have permission to point out anything that I'm wearing inside out!
Stay tuned for next week's Twinsight: Get Over It.
Then a couple of weeks ago, I got together with a new friend, Pam, at Caribou Coffee. I walked back to the table after picking up my tea and she politely said, "I think your sweater is on inside out." Sure enough.
I've never been someone who spends much time looking in the mirror at my outward appearance (obviously). My parents never spent much time there so it wasn't modeled for me. (That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it.) I venture that I get ready faster in the morning than any woman you know. I might be willing to take an extra minute or two now that I'm over 50. But those of you over 50 tell me. Will mirror time be even less of a draw to me now?
I do, however, place a high value on reflecting on what's inside before I leave the house. Otherwise, I'm as much of a mess on the inside as I can be on the outside! Most mornings I spend time preparing for the day--reading scripture, and journaling and praying about things on my mind. One morning a week, I actually have this reflection time with a group of friends. This time grounds me in my convictions and reminds me that I can confidently go into my day because God goes before me and will guide my words and actions, if I let Him. And for me, it's something that I need to do daily or my life gets out of balance.
Our dog, Pabby, has his quiet time with me. :) He sits on his perch (our spiral staircase) with one eye on his kingdom of squirrels, chipmunks and other critters. His other eye is on me because what comes next is usually our slo-mo running time. (He's 49 in people years so we're perfectly paced.) He lives for when we can stretch our legs in the fresh air and he motivates me to get out there.
So the next time you see me and I'm not as put together as you think I should be, remember that I probably sacrificed the outside for the inside. And you have permission to point out anything that I'm wearing inside out!
Stay tuned for next week's Twinsight: Get Over It.
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