Twinsight 33 of 50: Hope for the Best

We live in kind of a sleepy little neighborhood in the lakes area of the Twin Cities where the houses are close together and everyone loves the peace and serenity of the great outdoors while having access to the city. Nothing too exciting happens out here which is just fine with us.

We do, however, have one neighbor up the street who grew up in the area but now plays in the NBA. He has a house up the street which he stays in when he's in town. It's Kris Humphries. We don't know him personally but see him periodically driving to his house or in the surrounding area. And sometimes when I cross country ski on the lake with Pabby, his cute little dogs bark at us like crazy.

So that's not too big of a deal, right? Right. Until this past year. He dated, got engaged to, and married Kim Kardashian. If you don't know who she is, don't feel bad. I didn't either. But we're really in the minority.

And what does she really do? (By the way, if you ask that question, most likely you're over 40.)  Kim and the rest of the Kardashian empire made $65 million in 2010 through TV shows, fashion lines, books, perfume, music, jewelry, endorsements and the like, which was a couple mil more than Warren Buffett.

It seems that we either idolize and try (at a far distance) to keep up with people like Kim, or we completely trivialize, criticize and dismiss them. They've subjected themselves to public scrutiny, so somehow it's easy to justify. However, when they drive up and down your street and go to your neighborhood grocery store and your local fitness center now and then, they become more human and throwing verbal rocks seems wrong.

I don't idolize Kim or necessarily endorse the way she lives her life, but I do find myself curious about what's she's really like and what makes her tick. From what I can tell, she knows who she is and what she wants, and relentlessly pursues her current dreams and dreams she hasn't even dreamt. And she's really got the social networking thing down. I like using Twitter for business and am excited that I now have 134 followers. She has 10,749,002. Sheesh! And she actually makes big money on some of her tweets. On top of all that, she's brilliantly creative and never stops thinking of new ways to expand her brand.

The odds are stacked against them when it comes to them having a real and lasting marriage. As I walked through a couple of airports this week, I noticed at least two magazine covers that are already plotting their marriage's demise. But Kris and Kim have said they want a good marriage. I, for one, am going to give them the benefit of the doubt and hope for the best for them. That's what we do in our sleepy little neighborhood.

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Twinsight 32 of 50: Process Decisions with Purpose

Chloe and Heather...always ready to act out any emotion or scenario!

Decisions, decisions, decisions.

Sometimes it's invigorating to make decisions throughout the day that move you in the right direction and make you feel like life's bumping along well. And other times when life is rocky and exhausting, decisions - even the little ones - seem burdensome. Then I wish my mom were just here to make them all for me. And as you're well aware, I'm 50!

For those of us in mid life, decisions might be around what our career paths or detours might look like given this economy...how we spend our never-enough-hours-in-the-day time...how to mend a broken relationship...how to discipline ourselves to stay healthy....how to wisely save and spend our money...how to keep up with the latest technology...how to spend time on what's most important.

For teens and young adults, decisions might be around whom to spend the majority of your face and virtual time with...what activities to participate in....where to go to college...where to find a part-time job...what to pursue as a career....whom to date...how to give back to society...how much to study vs. socialize vs. sleep. I've heard it said that in college you can can get good grades, have a great social life, and get enough sleep. But you can only pick two at a time!

I was talking with our friend, Loria, about how to process a particular decision in my life. And she said that her family uses this simple "FTDL" method in processing decisions. I found the steps extremely helpful, and wanted to share them with you, too. You can write down your answers, or just process them in your head.

• Feel. Take a deep dive into my emotions and own those emotions, even if I feel like I've made a mistake, am confused or hurt, am not proud of them, or don't know the answers. The emotions that keep coming to the surface will be the ones that are most honest and real. Emotions are as real as thoughts, and can distract or even paralyze us from moving on in life if we don't deal with them. Depending on the situation, this step might take a few minutes or months. Ugh, right?
• Think. What are the logical facts? And what am I thinking about the situation? What's my rational side saying? It may be completely opposite of your feelings about the situation, and that's okay. It's helpful to process what you're thinking so you can discover what's congruent with and different from your feelings. You can switch the order of feeling and thinking, but I find that sometimes the feelings are really shaping my decision making under the surface so it helps to start by identifying them.
• Do. Based on my feelings and thoughts, what should I do? What action do I believe God is leading me to take - maybe take a small step or make a big decision or something in between? Some people never take action, but I, for one, need to caution myself to not act rashly and be okay with living in the gray areas while I process.
• Learn. What did I learn from the situation? Am I completely done with it and ready to move on, or do I need to start with feelings and take a fresh look at it?

Try it. See what you feel and think. Move to what you can do about it and learn from it.

This process really helped me this past week, and hope it is helpful for you, too.

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Twinsight 31 of 50: Train Your Heart to Release

Leah with her roommate, Rachel

We sit here in the presence of miracles.

That’s one of the declarations that Campus Pastor Laurel Bunker made during the Welcome Week send off at Bethel University in August as she spoke to us parents and our freshmen as they launched their college careers.

Since then, I’ve found myself pondering that statement. Miracles…hmm… A miracle is defined as “an effect or extraordinary event in the physical world that surpasses all known human or natural powers and is ascribed to a supernatural cause…a wonder, marvel.”

How true it was that we were sitting in the midst of miracles that day. For starters, what a miracle it was to have brought these young adults into the world in the first place through birth and adoption. And then to rear them for 18 years through the ups and downs of life and get to the point where we were releasing them into the next phase of their journey. On top of that, there’s the anticipated miracle of how God is going to transform each of them in the next four years. I fully realize that the act of releasing your child into adulthood does not happen at one point in time. But if there was a shift-in-control pivot point in the journey, it was that day.  

Although Leah’s only an hour away, she’s been very independent and we haven’t seen or heard too much from her. We went to a Bethel football game a few weeks ago, and I texted her after the game to see if she wanted to come over from the student section to say goodbye. She texted back with, "no I think i’m good." WHAT??? Actually, it was a great sign that she’s living her her own life.

So how do I release her to her future? I know that it's the right thing to do and she's obviously ready, but it's been harder than I thought. Maybe it's because you spend so many years in the day-to-day trenches of parenting, and you don't just climb out overnight. Or maybe it's because there’s no cookie-cutter formula for doing it. I’m learning that so much depends on the individual circumstances and personality of your young adult—maybe even more so than when he or she was in your home. So I’m learning every day, and I appreciate any and all advice so do share! I have gleaned insights recently from the experiences of friends with older daughters—particularly Solveig, Darsi, Loria, and Janet. Bless you.

I’m a complete novice, but here’s what I’m learning to do in the releasing process:

1) Step Back and Pray – I mentally take three steps back and start praying like crazy. I have a daily reminder set on my phone to pray for Leah around things like tenacity, courage, focus, strength, honest and fun relationships, and clarity. Pastor Laurel made an excellent point that has really stuck with me: praying for our young adults is the best way to influence them now.

2) Listen and Guide – Leah has a lot going on inside and out. I need to listen about 80% of the time and talk about 20%. I need to be attentive and ready to guide and advise her when there's an opportune moment, but I need to let her take the lead. And then if I feel really strongly about something, she will be able to hear what I have to say because I haven't been babbling incessantly!

3) Wait and Trust – While I wait in the wings, I need to live MY life to the fullest...live in what I’ve been given today and not think for a minute that I can or should control hers.  And I need to trust God with her future and release her into the incredible plans He has for her, and trust her because she has a really good head and heart and a strong foundation from which to build.

4) Repeat.

So tomorrow I will wake up and want to move into high-involvement mode (worry, wonder, meddle..STOP!), and then will look at my simple little diagram and retrain my heart to release. Does it become more natural over time? What has worked for you - either as the one releasing or the one being released?

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Twinsight 30 of 50: Find Your Banana Rhythm

I don’t know about you, but I hadn’t thought too much about the impact that Steve Jobs had on our lives until this week. All week we’ve seen and heard so much about his accomplishments and legacy, including the fact he was an adopted child which is near and dear to my heart. It’s astounding to think about how he provided society-changing leadership and innovation that was instrumental in turning our technology from something that was hard, cold and utilitarian into everything about the almighty "i." I loved how Peter Sagal on Wait Wait Don't Tell Me surmised that Steve is probably at the entrance to heaven giving St. Peter design advice - recommending that he use brushed aluminum instead of a pearly finish, and asking him to please drop the word "gates."

When I first entered the work world in 1983, I took a computer science class at the University of Minnesota because I wanted to learn more about computers. The whole experience was cave-like. It wasn’t a very popular class so it was relegated to some dark, dreary room with cinder block walls, and was taught by two caveman-looking, bearded guys who sounded really smart but were super confusing to follow. Although I didn’t  have the foresight to articulate it at the time, I felt frustrated by the coldness of a technology that had so much potential. It's so easy to think, "Hey, I should of thought of that!" when holding an iPhone, right?

So Apple’s already revolutionized the way we interact with technology. Where are we as a society going to take technology next? Maybe none of us will be the next Steve Jobs. But in our little corner of the world, maybe we can do our part to continually innovate and make the world a more personally-connected place. Maybe it's taking Apple concepts and turning them into Bananas.  Maybe we can create devices with a natural curve that hugs our face and our hands. Who knows. Here are the words I've put by my desk to spur me on to get into what I'll call my "banana rhythm"... you know, the groove that takes you outside the ranges of normal.

My Banana Rhythm

Simple

Connected
Innovation

Choose

Faith

Today

Here's what Steve had to say:

Simple – “Simple can be harder than complex: You have to work hard to get your thinking clear to make it simple. But it’s worth it in the end because once you get there, you can move mountains.” (Jobs, Business Week, 1998)

Connected – “Creativity is just connecting things. When you ask creative people how they did something, they feel a little guilty because they didn’t really do it, they just saw something. … The reason they were able to do that was that they’ve had more experiences or they have thought more about their experiences than other people.” (Jobs, Wired, 1996)

Innovation – “It’s really hard to design products by focus groups. A lot of times, people don’t know what they want until you show it to them.” (Jobs, Businessweek, 1998)

Choose – "Do you have any advice," Nike CEO Mark Parker asked Jobs. "Well, just one thing, said Jobs. "Nike makes some of the best products in the world. Products that you lust after. But you also make a lot of crap. Just get rid of the crappy stuff and focus on the good stuff." (Jobs phone conversation with Parker shortly after Parker became CEO) 

Faith – "Don’t lose faith. I’m convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You’ve got to find what you love. … Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don’t settle." (Jobs, Stanford commencement address, 2005)

Today – “No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share.  No one has escaped it. And that is as it should be, because death is very likely the best invention of life. It's life's change agent.  It clears out the old to make way for the new. ... Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. ...Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your inner voice."  (Jobs, Stanford commencement address, 2005)

I know this posting is a little off beat. But isn't that where it all starts? What moves you into a creative, "banana rhythm" of life? I'd love to hear your ideas.

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Twinsight 29 of 50: Hang on to Lifelong Friends



Erica and Jesse

Have you had the experience of going to a wedding of someone you've known since birth and saw grow up through the years? We had that experience last weekend in Chicago. The bride was Erica, and I met her mom, Loria, in my first job out of college, and we subsequently met her dad, Robert, right around the time Erica was born. We quickly fell in love with all three of them. And even though we haven't lived in the same city for most of the time we've known one another, we've managed to stay close friends.

Loria is one of those people you want to talk with for hours (and I have!). She says that strangers on buses and planes frequently pour their hearts out to her. She's a deeply spiritual person, an accomplished business professional, and a trustworthy advisor who brings a classy flair to everything she touches. Robert is a dear, soulful, wise man. And Erica is this amazing blend of the two of them - as beautiful as she is bold, and as warm as she is gutsy. Even if we don't see one another for a year or two, it's like time has stood still since the last time we had a deep conversation and really good laugh.

Leah & Chloe with Erica trying on a dress for a special dance

With Leah, Loria and Erica in downtown Chicago

Now we're looking forward to getting to know Erica's husband, Jesse, as he joins their family. He's a wonderful young man, and their wedding was simply magical - elegant and embracing all at once. As we met other friends of theirs, I just had to smile because it was so clear that what we feel for this family was universal among all of us. In God's providence, our lives had intersected with them somehow and are richer for it.

Last December on the day that Heidi, Sylvia, Loria & I helped Erica find her wedding dress!

Erica watching photos of her and her dad to "My Girl" at the reception

Reception...great fun with Steve & Heidi, in particular

When Leah turned 16, I asked some friends to secretly each write a note to her that I compiled in a book to give her as a "party in a book." Erica is a gifted writer, and had this wise counsel for her that tells you a lot about who she is and what she stands for:

• Remain true to yourself, and don't ever apologize to your critics for being who you are.
• Never forget who you are and where you came from.
• Always remember that your parents will always be there for you. Even when it may seem that you are totally alone or you may be facing something that you may not think that they can possibly understand for whatever reason, I guarantee you they can understand much better than you can ever imagine.
• Own your behavior. If you make a mistake or do something stupid, admit that you did it and learn from your mistakes. People will respect you so much more.
• Learn to love yourself and embrace your shortcomings. This may seem easy, but trust me, it is one of the hardest and most rewarding things you can do.
• Never hesitate to fight for what you think is right.
• Remember that falling in love is the easy part, but falling in love with the right person and working hard to make it work is what separates puppy love from true love.
• Don't give your heart away too easily to make sure whomever you give it to works hard to get your love and loves you for who you are.
• Hold on tight to your dreams and remember they are one thing no one can ever take away from you.
• Believe in yourself. It will make life much easier.
• Realize that if you have at least one person in your life who is truly your friend, one who won't tell your secrets, is your shoulder to cry on and accepts you for who you are, you are truly blessed.

Amen. Cherishing the blessing of lifelong friends today.

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