Twinsight 6 of 50: Let Yourself Feel Deeply

Have you taken the Myers-Briggs personality assessment? If so, do you remember your profile? I'm an ENTJ. I'm pretty balanced on the first two measures - extrovert vs. introvert and intuitive vs. sensing. But I'm extreme on the last two - thinking vs. feeling and judging vs. perceiving. As with each of us, I have a combination of strengths and weaknesses that blend together to draw me in a certain direction at any given moment, for better or worse.

The deficit that trips me up most often is the feeling component. I'm not interested in producing a flood every time something happy or sad comes along, but it would be nice to be more balanced. Actually, for me to feel something deeply, I usually need to think about it for awhile, give myself mental permission, and eventually the feelings come. The good news is that I'm pretty even-keeled so if you need someone to take charge in a crisis, I'm your girl. The bad news is that I don't experience highs and lows to the extent that many do. So if you need someone to express over-the-moon excitement or empathy, I'm not your best bet.

In recent years, however, I've had some experiences that have tenderized my heart. My first deep heart encounter was receiving Leah from the Northwest Airlines "stork" that flew in from Korea to meet us and our amazing group of family members and friends. And then there was the incredible experience of walking into a room in Seoul four years later and peeking under a little baseball cap to meet our Chloe for the first time.

I've also felt life's ups and downs intensely at times - agonizing over a complicated decision, being incredibly proud over a little (but really big) life choice that one of the girls made, feeling off-balanced in a close relationship, seeing a moving video that Steve and his brother, Peter, created, or worrying about the future with all the looming issues. And then there were the tender times of being with my parents in their later years. I have vivid memories of the last moment that I was with each of of them - listening to dad talk from his hospital bed about farming and the economy and wanting to make sure that I fixed Chloe's high chair. And spending my mom's last morning with her in her Presbyterian Homes room along with my friend, Kimberly, and our dog, Pabby, and walking in a silent "procession of honor" with her covered body through the halls lined with all the staff who had cared for her for many years.

My palpable encounters with the living God, though, have surprised me the most and touched me most deeply. On Palm Sunday a few years ago, the four of us worshipped at the Brooklyn Tabernacle in Brooklyn, NY. I was rocked to my core. Steve and I just wept during the whole worship set (about 45 minutes) and could barely sing. It seemed like what heaven will be like - a blend of shapes and sizes and colors of people moving and uniting in praise to God. Ever since that experience, I have found it easier to close my eyes and sense that God is right there with me and the community of people I'm with, including a couple of nights ago at our church's Maundy Thursday service.

So this Easter weekend, we'll all go through the regular motions of life. But I invite you to join me in pushing our natural boundaries in thinking about what this holiday is all about and feeling it deeply, too.

P.S. In the spirit of expanding my feeling and perceiving comfort zones, I'm not going to mention what I'll write about next week since I honestly have no clue!