Twinsight 53: Choose Happiness in the New Year

 

It's January 1. Are you ready for the new year? I'm not sure if I am. Ready or not, here we go!

In the course of thinking and praying about the year ahead, I took a fresh look at Dr. Henry Cloud’s book The Law of Happiness.  As I thought about the treadmill of life that will reset to high speed on Monday, I felt a sense of sadness and remembered that Dr. Cloud has some keen insights.

What factors do you think contribute to our happiness? See if this breakdown surprises you as much as it did me:

1.       Our natural wiring	50%
2.       Things directly under our control	40%
3.       Circumstances	10%

Our natural wiring (genetics and temperament) are about half the reason that our personal happiness level is what it is. Circumstances only account for 10%! The other 40% are things under our control—like our behaviors, thoughts and intentional practices.

I don’t know about you, but it’s easy for me to fall prey to thinking that “if only X” (better this, better that, new this, new that), then I’ll be happy. Research, spiritual wisdom and common sense all confirm that while many new and better inputs in our life have value, none can bring much sustainable happiness.

Why? Dr. Cloud goes on to say that:

·    Circumstantial happiness does not last. There is some sort of “set point” to our level of happiness that we carry around, almost like a thermostat. Our temperature may go up for awhile (e.g., fall in love, get a raise), but research has shown that we come back down to the place we were before.

·    When we pursue things that don’t have the power to make us happy, we ignore the ones that do.

Happy people…

1.   Are Givers. Spending money on others makes us happier than spending money on ourselves, particularly when we give out of faith, empathy and our whole lives (not just material resources), in a structured way (deliberately part of our budget), freely, past our comfort level at times, and as part of a community at times.

2.   Are Not Lazy About Happiness. We are happier when we are active (not passive)  in our pursuit of life like building deep relationships and community, pursuing goals,  and striving for a healthy lifestyle.  We need to be careful to not have only a future mindset  about happiness—“when _______ happens, I will have a life.”

3.   Don’t Wait for “Someday.” Our ability to focus on the moments we are experiencing right now--the joys and pleasures of the present--actually make us happier and less stressed and depressed.

4.   Pursue Goals. Intrinsic ones (ones that come from who we truly are and we choose) are the ones that add meaning. Externally imposed goals are not worth that much.

5.   Fully Engage. Involving ourselves in activities we truly love, and developing skills that will allow us to enjoy those activities, brings happiness. And to experience “flow”--where we really lose ourselves in something we love--we have to get out of our comfort zones and stretch ourselves to challenging levels.

6.   Connect. God has not constructed us to be fueled by accomplishments. He has constructed us to be fueled by love. He made our brains to chemically respond in a positive way to support from one another and respond negatively when we don’t have it.

7.   Don’t Compare Themselves. We need to take ownership for our own lives, our own talents, our own genes, and use what God has give us to the fullest. Then we will be the best and happiest versions of ourselves.

8.  Think Well. Every single day, happy people are thinking thoughts that help them to be happy, and unhappy people do the opposite. It's important to observe our thoughts, avoid all-or-nothing thinking, watch the negative thoughts so they don’t  have power over us, avoid catastrophic thinking, do not overgeneralize from one instance to all, and see both sides.

9.   Are Grateful. Being grateful starts with building the practice of expressing gratitude consistently into our lives. The people we thank will be blessed and feel appreciated, and we will be better off, too.

10. Have Boundaries. Having boundaries means we set limits on what we will and will not allow in our lives. Boundaries not only protect us from evil, but protect the good things we are trying to build.

11. Forgive. The evidence affirms that when we forgive others, we are the biggest beneficiary. It breaks the chain between us and a past, hurtful event.

12. Have a Calling. Having a calling involves knowing who we are, realizing our talents are a gift from God, understanding that what we do is all about the people on the receiving end of what we do, owning the gifts God has given us as individuals, and using our gifts in service to others.

13. Have Faith. Faith in God connects us to ultimate meaning. When we know Him, we understand that all of life has meaning and that we are here for much larger purposes than what happens day to day. We are part of His story and His purposes—which are most likely outside and beyond our own. We also understand that our day-to-day lives mean more than we will ever know.

Wishing you a year of real, authentic happiness. Here we go!

Twinsight 50 of 50: Don't Let Any Day Escape as Ordinary

Thanks to Steve, Leah and Chloe for providing me lots of material and ideas for 50 Twinsights!

For my 50th birthday (3.20.11), Steve asked me what I wanted to do on that Sunday. Life had been so hectic that I selfishly wanted some time to myself and with our family to enjoy church, go running, do some writing, go for a walk on the Dakota Trail, and have dinner at home. It was a wonderful day.

I had a few ah-has that day. First, I had breezed through 40, but 50 seemed crazy old. I can relate to Ashleigh Brilliant who wrote, “Inside every older person there’s a younger person wondering what happened.” On a related note, I also realized that I didn’t know how to be 50. It seems that a lot has been written about the transition to 40, but not nearly as much on the transition to 50. Sometimes you think about the future and envision what life might be like in the next season. I had not spent one second thinking about my 50s. 

That's the ah-ha that led me to the idea that maybe I could blog about what it means to be 50 so I could process my observations while learning more about the medium of blogging to help me in my professional life. And then I could invite others to join me so I wouldn't be alone as I was kicking and screaming into this decade! That's how 50 Twinsights came to be.

In some ways, the last 50 weeks have been steady: same husband, same kids, same dog, same house, same job, same daily patterns. On the other hand, these weeks have included some significant experiences: one daughter went off to college and another daughter entered high school, a lot of day-to-day changes with a company merger, the loss of a dear friend, serving on a vision 2020 task force at our church, and balancing a full life...some days better than others.

What have I learned? I've gained clarity around how important it is to stretch ourselves as we get older...to make a conscious effort to continue to push ourselves out of our comfort zones so our brains and bodies don't atrophy. Those of you who know me well know that I'm a planner which is a blessing and a curse, right? The unnerving thing about this little experiment was that it was all pretty spontaneous. I never had more than one or two ideas for future posts. I woke up several Saturday mornings without even so much as a germ of an idea. But eventually I'd get a thread of a beginning. Madeleine L'Engle, an American writer, said that, “Inspiration usually comes during work, rather than before it." So true. In turn, I'm finding that once I take a courageous step in one area of my life, I feel more empowered to leapfrog forward in other areas of my life - like to confidently guide our girls without being controlling, create a compelling offer for a client, or contribute to an effort that will make others' lives better.

These 50 weeks also impressed upon me that God has put me on earth to be present in my every day life. Some mornings I get out of bed and think that’s it’s going to be an ordinary, ho-hum day in the grind of life with a never-ending to-do list. But I have a fresh resolve to not live with that perspective. And I want to dedicate this 50th post to three women who have been particularly inspiring to me this year in my quest to make every day count.

My first cousin by marriage, Jean Swenson, who continues to live with such
profound faith and purpose despite tremendous physical constraints as a quadriplegic.

My 102-year-old aunt, Christine Hall (pictured with cousin Connie and me), who continues
to live each day so gracefully and is a treasure to everyone who has ever known her.

Our dear friend, Nancy, who died just after turning 51 (in pink, on the far right, with Joyce, me and Karen),
who reminds me to not let any day escape as ordinary because she lived with gusto.

I may still post now and then. In the meantime, thank you for coming alongside me at some point in the past 50 weeks. I want to encourage you to join me in trusting God's promise that He will be there in the moment-to-moment victories and challenges of every day so we can live each day - and each year - that He gives us in extraordinary ways.